thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
