I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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