So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
