Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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