I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
