Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
