Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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