I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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