So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Enjoy the penises
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
