my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
