I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
