If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I believe in your delicious
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
