Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
