I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
