i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
