Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
