My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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