He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
