watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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