The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
pray to the hookup gods
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
