Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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