All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
