The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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