Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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