i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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