Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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