Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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