as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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