You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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