drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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