omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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