Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
