As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
