My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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