I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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