So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
