I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
