genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
