If that was your dad, he is hot
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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