remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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