I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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