we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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