Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
