I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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