in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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