At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
