I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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