It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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