I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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