I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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