just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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