dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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