last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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