On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
