I checked into jail on foursquare
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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