the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
