i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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