Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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