then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
