So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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