So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
