Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is wine microwaveable?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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