If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
